“Desperate for a shower, I pointed the video monitor at my son’s play space and closed him in his room. I watched the monitor and saw him pull down some books to read. He was content, so I washed my hair. And conditioned it. And shaved my legs. It was the full-on this-mom-hasn’t-showered-in-ages-I’m-enjoying-it shower. He was still reading and content—I was amazed! So I brushed my hair and put lotion on my legs. Then, I went to check on him. He wasn’t reading books anymore. He was eating the hungry little caterpillar’s spine! After a few moments, I decided to let him keep eating the book, and I went back to getting ready. It’s just board book paper, right?”

We all have our moments. Thankfully for us, these moms were willing to spill theirs. Here’s what it’s really like to be a mom:

1. I pretend I don’t know my daughter and husband when we go shopping. I wait to go to the store until my husband (an impulse shopper) can go with us. Then I make him take my daughter (who always screams her head off in the store). I grab a second cart, pretend I don’t know them, grab my stuff, and get out.
2. My son pooped before I could get to him. He was running around naked, then suddenly, he made THE FACE. Before I could do anything about it, he’d pooped on the artificial turf. So I grabbed the pooper scooper we use for picking up the dog’s poo, and I tossed his poop in the metal tin with the dog poop. It’s all poop, right?
3. I’ve coughed loudly, so I could secretly unwrap a candy wrapper. COUGH. (Unwrap). COUGH. (Pop in mouth). COUGH. (Purely for show). Works like a charm. If they ask what I’m eating… it’s a cough drop.
4. I let my kids rub a whole bottle of lotion on my feet. They thought it was fun.
5. I’ve given up on socks. The kids lose them and I don’t have time to hunt for them, so they usually go sock-free.
6. My 3 year old walked in on me putting a tampon in. I explained it, saying, “Mommy is taking medicine”. Now whenever he sees me heading to the bathroom, he asks if I need my medicine.
7. I tell my daughter my food is spicy if I don’t want to share.
8. I blame the cats when I throw away stuff I’d rather the girls not eat. My girls have seen the cats licking their behinds, so I tell them the cats licked it. I had to throw it away…
9. I let my daughter chew on the dog’s toys without washing them first.
10. If I want a banana, I lock my baby on the other side of the baby gate. Then I stand with my back to the gate and try to scarf one down without her noticing. I tell myself it’s to prevent constipation, but I really just want the whole thing to myself.
11. I locked myself in the bathroom to eat the red velvet cheesecake, because I didn’t want to share it. Now, my kids don’t let me go to the bathroom by myself, even when I don’t have cheesecake… I left them on the other side of the door screaming to get in.
12. I told my oldest daughter that the cottage cheese in the fridge was old. She said “ewww” and was about to throw it away. I had to stop her and say I’d throw it away for her.
13. I used a diaper as a pad when I ran out of tampons on the road.
14. I once had to pull over for a panic attack when I looked in the car mirror and saw no kids. I thought I’d left them home alone. My husband had agreed to watch them all, for once.
15. I once peed into one of my son’s diapers. I was sleeping in his room, and I thought opening the door would wake him. The diaper filled up. I should have used two.
16. I tell my daughter everything she drinks is juice. If I tell her it’s milk or water, she screams and throws the cup. So “juice” it is.
17. I told my son everything he ate was a hot dog until we heard, “I don’t like hot dogs”. Now everything’s bacon.
18. I use my son’s washcloths to blow my nose then toss them in his hamper.
19. I used body wash as shampoo, because I was too tired and lazy to grab a new bottle of shampoo.
20. I caught my husband eating my son’s Gerber Crunchies. Not just one or two either—I had to tell him to stop eating them.
21. I let my daughter get stuck. She learned to climb the 3-step ladder onto her brother’s bed. But, she hasn’t learned how to get down. Sometimes I’ll leave her there and let her cry for a few minutes, so I can go to the bathroom or finish the dishes.
22. My son snuck unnoticed into the bathroom and saw my husband peeing. He reached his hand out to touch the stream of pee. My husband saw him and somehow managed to stop peeing mid-stream to keep our son from touching the pee.

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