How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse with Kids


With October just days away, it’s time we talk about this—the Zombie Apocalypse. We’re getting overwhelmed with questions from readers about how to survive, with kids. Not to worry, the authorities have released these guidelines to help you with all of your parenting decisions so you can get through this.

  • Updated parenting guidelines
    • Co-sleep. In a shocking statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics, WHO and the CDC have rescinded all prior statements discouraging bed-sharing. Upon the onset of the zombies, children are officially safer in bed with you. You can almost hear attachment parenting families around the world breathing a collective sigh of “I told you so”.
    • Breastfeed. Breastfeeding allows you to feed your child anywhere, anytime regardless what supplies you have. A breast can comfort (and silence) a scared child and can get them to sleep. The longer you can breastfeed the better your odds are in the zombie apocalypse; the stigma with breastfeeding school-aged kids ends now.
    • Offer a bottle daily. Even if you’re breastfeeding, you’ll want to give kids a bottle daily. Many babies who breastfeed, later refuse to take a bottle, and you want to be sure your baby will eat if you’re separated.
    • Teach your baby to take a pacifier. It’s like an instant mute button. Enough said.
  • When the outbreak happens
    • Obtain supplies. If you have an emergency kit, grab it. If not, it’s too late now. Fill as many containers with water as possible, before the water supply becomes contaminated. You’ll need canned/non-perishable food, diapers, bedding, warm clothes, a carrying bag (in case you need to flee), your First Aid kit, and medicine. Bring a baby carrier (preferably front-wearing) rather than a stroller, for better agility. And pack armor to protect yourself from bites—a wetsuit offers great protection or you can duct tape some magazines around your wrists (thanks, Brad Pitt). Last, a crow bar really is a perfect tool—it can pry open doors, help you climb fences, slay zombies, and it’s more-or-less child-safe. If you still have time, grab a few toys for the kids and a bottle of liquor (it can be used to sterilize medical equipment, if needed, and to help with extreme boredom). Take all supplies to your soon-to-be secure location.
    • Establish a secure location. Use furniture to barricade your home’s doors and windows. Take children to the highest level of your home, then destroy the staircase. Be certain the zombie apocalypse is really under way before destroying your home.
    • Contact family. If your spouse or significant other isn’t with you at the time of the outbreak, try to contact them to assure them that the kids are safe. They may fear that you would abandon the children to save yourself. Of course, if you’re a good parent, this will not be an issue. They’ll still probably be relieved to hear from you.
    • Learn to hunt. Spears, bow & arrow and snare traps will go a long way. Think Katniss Everdeen or Daryl from Walking Dead—these are important skills, people.
    • Silence dogs. A dog’s barking could attract unwanted, undead visitors. You can try training them to be silent. If that doesn’t work, you may want to find a bark collar, to prevent barking. Teach your dog a non-verbal cue for warning you of zombies, like pawing at you, which will also work even if you’re sleeping.
    • Have an escape plan. If the walls of your home are breached or you need to escape, be sure you have an exit. Think about the safest place you could go (a boat or a nearby farm may be good options), preferably with a water source.
    • Remind children not to play with slain zombies. Gross.

OK, fine. Most of this is just for fun (and the AAP, WHO and CDC have not made such statements). The one takeaway you may want to consider though is the nudge to put together an emergency kit, for whatever emergencies may occur in your area (duh, what about vampires?). And hey, if the zombies do come, now you know how to enjoy a family-friendly zombie apocalypse. Happy October.

What Zombie Apocalypse tips do you have to add?

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